


Failed Coin Toss.

by PeroxideMermaid



Category: JAG (TV 1995), NCIS
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeroxideMermaid/pseuds/PeroxideMermaid
Summary: What would happen if Harm had to give up his commission but his pride didn't allow it?
Relationships: Sarah MacKenzie/Harmon Rabb Jr.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	Failed Coin Toss.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is based on a series of gifset I've been making on Tumblr. (Nightinbell is my blog) and well I'm a fool for angst. Sorry for any writing mistakes, I usually rush through this cause it is a momentary burst of inspiration and I take advantage of it cause I'm generally lazy when it comes to writing. Also, I suck at summary.

It was supposed to be easy.   
Being together was supposed to be smooth sailing but he was sorely mistaken.

Harm quickly came to realize that finally ending up together was actually the easiest part of their venture. All those years pining for Mac had nothing on actually developing their relationship. It made him wonder about all the women before her. How things just went about. How his old relationships came about easily. And he knows today, looking at Sarah’s angry face, why. 

Harm never really compromised his heart like he is doing it with her. 

Guess that’s love, a complete surrender of one's emotions for the benefit of both. But the question remains: Is Harm really someone Sarah could benefit from? He is reckless (so is she), emotionally crippled, and utterly clueless as to what love entitles. Being able to understand his complexity wasn’t something he is well versed in and he doubts Sarah has any idea on how to navigate those waters…

It is his own fault.

“I don’t want to fight.” He said, but the words sounded hollow as they left his mouth and she noticed it. Crossed her arms protectively with a step back. 

They were going to fight after all. Maybe he can avoid that. 

“Why should I believe you?” She replied dangerously low. Sarah was livid, could feel the anger rising in waves ready to be unleashed. And well, Harm can’t blame her. They had agreed to something and he didn’t deliver. The coin toss, the one that he lost (won?), was supposed to give up his commission but instead, he just accepted it. So yeah, she was angry, and he was at the end of that well-deserved anger. But really he didn’t want to fight, mainly because it was a losing battle for him. He should’ve tried harder but he fell short in the end.

“Because... I’m going to lose, and I’m going to lose an enormous amount.” He took a deep breath as he leaned against the counter. Maybe having this conversation in a kitchen where all the knives were wasn’t a very good idea but it is where she caught him making dinner, Harm was attempting to make her feel at ease first before he delivered the news but fate, cruel fate, made sure she found out another way. He should’ve just talked to her sooner, like the moment he decided to not turn down his commission. 

On Mac’s part, she deflated, dropping her arms to the side. It was a Cold War, what they were going through. No one throwing jabs or exposing hidden agendas, it was just them stewing on their corner unable to process enough words to be spoken. It was supposed to be easy but they are at the beginning, no, not at the beginning. This was worse than that. They were at a point where neither of them knew what the outcome would be.

The silence dragged on forever, Harm turned off the stove, he had a feeling neither of them was going to have any appetite after this and then he just exhaled, loudly. 

What a mess he just made and he doesn’t know how to clean it up.   
No, that’s a lie he does know but he doesn’t want to.   
The ambition was actually stronger. What the hell is wrong with him?

“Why didn’t you tell me before? You made your choice weeks ago and just didn’t say anything.” Sarah finally broke the silence and went directly to the point. Why didn’t he? Well, he could come up with a million excuses and he can make some valid points that maybe, just maybe she would be able to understand but the truth was best to be spoken out loud, it is what she deserves after all and it would be an insult to her to go the other route. His arms crossed over his chest tightly as he took a deep breath. 

Truth it is. 

“For a moment I felt like I was losing my sense of me and I didn’t like it.” It sounded so bad and he felt bad for saying it because he knew damn well that Sarah would’ve compromised but he didn’t even try. Maybe his fearlessness in the sky didn’t translate to him and his feelings. Harm felt like a coward admitting the truth within his heart and the glint in Sarah’s eyes just made that pain a million times worse. They could have talked it out but he was afraid. He had made himself believe for such a long time that the world, the future that he wanted for himself didn’t include love and that image was so rooted in him that self-sabotage was inevitable. “Mac I –” He wanted to reach for her, his arms twitch longing to be stretched out towards her but at the very last second he decided against it, and maybe it was for the best. If she flinched at his touch, he would simply fall apart. 

The brunette kept her gaze on him, causing a shudder run down his spine. She noticed the effect and instead of just looking away Mac kept her gaze on him. It was like being under a microscope. “You know I always thought that would happen but I hoped you would’ve been man enough to say it to my face.” Oh, she shrugged and Harm swallowed thickly. “You and I have known each other for a very long time. We should be able to talk about anything. Didn’t peg you as a coward.” 

Oh!

Whether it was from hurt or hidden truth, the fact was that it managed to hurt him. Not in any emotional capacity but his pride. “Excuse me? You are really calling me a coward you – ” He stopped himself short, carefully stepping out of the kitchen with a huff. He was really about to say something he would come to regret.

Calm down, calm down. 

“I’m what?” Mac prodded and he stopped pacing in the living room long enough to watch her walk right behind him. “You’ve called me drunk before so…” She trailed off. 

Running both hands down his face, Harm found himself wishing to restart the day all over again. Actually not the day, he wished they could go back to that coin toss and just fix everything. Be honest with her from the very beginning and avoid this. “Sarah, lets not, please.” But it was too late and he knew it well. The fire was ignited in her and now he, no, not only him, both of them needed to face the consequences. “What exactly want me to say?” Taking the final step to stand face to face, Harm waited for her response.

“Right now? Nothing. Because you’re just going to listen.”   
Harm didn’t like the sound of that but he nodded nonetheless and waited for her to speak her mind.

“When you said we should take a little gamble on fate I accepted you know why?” Sarah’s arms came to cross over her chest. When he just shrugged, she continued. “Because I wanted to take a leap of faith with you. It was something neither you and I were accustomed to, so the challenge would be worth it in the end. Maybe the way we went about making a decision wasn’t the most practical but I was always open to a conversation about it if you didn’t like the outcome.”

He kept close attention to each and every one of her words, and when their meaning finally manifested in his brain, when he finally understood what she was saying Harm felt stupid. She wanted him to tell her. She wanted him to be honest about the choice and he just didn’t. Instead, he went to his usual place where pride was stronger than common sense and failed the first and only test Sarah had laid before him. 

What a fool.  
He feels like an idiot.

Harm finally woke up from his stupor and reached for her. When she didn’t flinch when his hands landed on her arms there was a sense of relief washing over him. Still, the damage was done and he could see it in her eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before. It was stupid of me to think we would have been unhappy if either of us renounced to something we both worked hard for but I think we can make it work if given a chance.” 

They weren’t empty words coming from him, If anything he was being honest for the first time in a long time. As she said, they’ve known each other for a very long time and the connection between them is undeniable, the love between them was unbreakable. 

“I know you believe that but I don’t trust you.” 

Was there anything more painful than hearing Sarah say she doesn’t trust him? No, there wasn’t. A part of him was slowly breaking apart, pieces of his soul crashing down like meteors across space. “Mac you can’t be serious.” The thinness of his voice gave a unique outlook to the way his heart was breaking. 

“You keep putting your pride first on every occasion feels like we are going back instead of forward and I don’t want to feel like a shadow on your life that doesn’t allow your progress.” But that wasn’t at all how he felt about her.

“That’s my own fault, has nothing to do with you.” He tightens his hold on her but somehow he feels powerless and in turn is like she is slipping away from him. 

“Maybe we were fooling ourselves. We have all this love but don’t know what to do with it.” A deep breath from her part, “Maybe you going to Europe is a good idea. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Somewhere, deep inside of him, he knew that those words were just a mask.  
Somewhere, deep in the marrow of his bone, he knew that this wasn’t going to end well.


End file.
